Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows" (2012) Sucks & Not In An Erotic (Vampire) Way

This review is being written by one faithful "Dark Shadows" soap opera viewer, who NOT only felt deep simpathy for the vampire known as Barnabas Collins, back in the day when this series was a gothic T.V. show, but when viewers could genuinely NOT wait for the next episode to play. 

Original Barnabas Collins: Canadian actor Jonathan Frid

Movie version of Barnabas Collins: Johnny Depp

The story line, for the original soap opera, was filled with serious magic, tarot card readings/divination and emotional angst - thanks to so much suffering caused by an evil plotting and relentless magician of witchcraft who continued to conjure all kinds of emotional reactions - not to mention pain and suffering for the entire Collins family (and vicariously for viewers). 

In short, the original series of Dark Shadows was beautifully compelling and the characters (including humans, vampires, werewolves and undying love) were utterly convincing and believable observations to behold.

Contrast that intense identification with all the Collins family members - who suffer under heinous curses - with what happens in the present day movie, Dark Shadows, and any movie goer is going to be horribly disappointed. 

Beginning with Johnny Depp's excessive use of comical makeup (see photo) and ending with the slap-stick humor that seems to make a mockery what used to be a very dramatic tale, and the movie, in my opinion, was nothing but a major flop. NOTE: I say this while admitting I tend to LOVE, adore, and desire the most delicious man, Johnny Depp, with all his amazing capabilities as both an actor and movie director. *LOVE YOU Johnny! (I really mean that.)* I also think Tim Burton is a GOD.

Admissions aside, beyond losing the compelling drama that necessitated a strong emotional reaction to the characters in the original series, the movie employs a great deal of slapstick humor that belongs in films like Laurel and Hardy or in The Three Stooges. It does NOT belong in a perfectly crafted vampire drama.

In my very humble opinon? If you wanna see Johnny Depp at his best, watch any Pirates of the Carribean movies. He makes a great pirate. As a vampire? It pains me to say this, but he's a pathetic and offensive joke. I'm happy to admit that I did like the happy ending of this movie, at least. I LOVED love LOVED the character as played by Chloë Grace Moretz (and the wonderful surprises her character presented).

SEE TRAILER: